Posts tagged: Depression

Anger Management

The word “anger” is strangely intimidating.  It is not uncommon to observe someone in a rage, yet deny they are angry.  A common response is “I’m just frustrated.”  Most people do not want to be labelled as angry, and refuse to label themselves as such.  Labeling another person as angry is rarely taken as a friendly gesture.  It is typically interpreted as an accusation.  Even if the intention is centered on the welfare of the other person,  the response is to deny or escalate.  It is difficult to imagine a friendly way to qualify someone as angry.

A professor once told the author “We are all angry, it is a question of when and where it is displayed.”  This quote portrays anger as a universal human phenomenon.  The perception of anger will change based upon the situation in which it is displayed.  Heads will be more likely to turn at an art gallery than at a sporting event.  Cultural and socioeconomic factors will alter how people perceive and interpret anger in other people.  Overt displays of anger may be tolerated in Rome, but eschewed in Milan. Tooting the car horn is almost expected in Manhattan, but it is an invitation to fight in Chicago.  Displays of anger in the upper classes are often viewed as indicative of low class behavior.  There is greater acceptance of angry behavior in the lower classes than those above.  Displays of anger in the upper class may lower one’s status, yet the same display in the lower class may elevate one’s status.

The physiological response of anger is often triggered by failed expectations.  Modern call centers often trigger anger by failing to provide an easy interface, a timely response, or a person who speaks the same language.  Since we are paying for a good or service, there is an expectation of a timely and coherent response to our questions.  Most people expect their children to be cooperative and do well in school.  When they fail parental expectations, anger or sadness is the result.  We expect significant others will support us and not betray our confidence.  When they fail to meet these expectations, anger or sadness is the result.  Consider the experience of being abandoned by someone you love.  Thoughts of the good times will engender sadness.  Thoughts of the bad times will engender anger.  Anger is often preceded or proceeded by sadness.
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Is the lowering of one’s expectations the way to rid oneself of anger?  Not really.  Decreased expectations of others and oneself will decrease the occurrences of angry reactions.  It will not rid oneself of anger.  To rid oneself of anger is not possible, or even desirable.  Appropriate anger may change the behavior of oneself or others in a positive fashion.  Having no expectations of one’s children will decrease discord, but it may also breed sloth and disrespect.  Accepting substandard services from a company will be easier than arguing, but may cost the person additional money and reinforce the company’s poor performance.  There is a delicate balance between expectation, anger and acceptance.

Perhaps the acceptance of anger is best exemplified by a story.  Many years ago, the wife of a Russian diplomat overheard an American woman decry the anger expressed by American males.  She turned to face the American woman.  She explained that all the angry young men left their warm beds to fight Napoleon, and none came back.  When Hitler threatened to destroy her country, the angry young men left their warm beds to fight once again, and none came back.  She cautioned the American woman.  The next time the she heard a bump in the night, perhaps the American woman would appreciate these angry young men.  Said another way, do not be too quick to condemn all angry reactions.  There are positive and negative aspects to all human emotions.  The consequence(s) of an emotional display may be more important than the particular emotion displayed.

Independence

Americans prize their independence.  Hollywood earns billions portraying characters that express their independence in an aggressive fashion.  Many Americans loath dependence and equate it with weakness.  Is dependence really equatable with weakness?

The author’s experience with nursing home and hospital patients over the last twenty years may shed some light.  The severely medically ill typically dread becoming a burden on their loved ones.  It is rare to find older adults who readily agree to live with their children.  Rarely does the avoidance stem from ill feelings, as from the aforementioned dread of becoming a burden.  The ailing older American is typically more resistive of living with their children than the children themselves.

Other cultures have less difficulty with dependence.  These patients typically experience less adjustment problems with illness and nursing home placement.  Forced dependence from medical illness is viewed as an unavoidable part of life, rather than stemming from a personal inadequacy.  Just as they may have taken care of ailing friends and relations, there is an expectation that it is a societal necessity to receive care in turn.  In such cultures, the resistance to unavoidable dependence would be taken as askew, and possibly indicative of mental illness.

These notions regarding dependence are focused on physical rather than mental illness.  Quite often long-term mental illness has a significant impact on parenting style and resources.  This impact may be resented by the children as they age; especially as they compare notes with peers whose parents did not suffer with mental illness.  Children of recurrent depressive and bipolar patients are often the least motivated to care for an incapacitated parent.  The very real physical responsibilities of providing care is even more difficult when the parent is uncooperative and apparently unappreciative.  It is nearly impossible for children to fathom the role of mental illness in parenting, as it requires a prospective obtained outside the confines of the family unit.
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In regards to mental illness, there was a disorder termed Dependent Personality Disorder.  This so-called disorder is no longer a part of the diagnostic nomenclature, but its very existence is significant.  Dependent Personality Disorder was confined to the American diagnostic manual of mental disorders, and has never been a part of the international classification of mental illness.  Too much dependence was viewed as a mental illness, and psychologists and psychiatrists were given the task of drawing the line.  Dependence was not only considered a weakness, but possibly a disease that required treatment.

Anthropologists and evolutionary psychologists now consider the the role of grandparents as an advantage unique to our species.  Grandparents living within the family unit were able to confer knowledge and skills to the children that the parents were too busy to provide.  This advantage may be the reason other forms of humanoids became extinct.  Prior to World War II, it was the norm for couples to live with their parents for many years.  Married couples initially depended upon their parents, and in turn, the parents came to depend upon their children.  It may be merely an artifact of simple economics, but the children and grandparents may have benefited in ways that were not reducible to mere income potential.

Dependence is a problem if either party perceives it as a problem.  Dependence is highly influenced by cultural norms.  Dependence stemming from mental illness is often less well received than physical incapacity.  Dependence may be an evolutionary adaptation that secured our species spot at the top of the food chain.  We depend upon others for their knowledge and experience, as well as physical support.  Others depend upon us for the very same reasons.  Perhaps dependence is often perceived as a weakness by those who are afraid of the responsibility.  The responsibility is to not hate those on whom we depend.  It’s very American.